Lack of routine, extra executive functioning, unrealistic expectations and new experiences can take a toll on any family over the festive season. When you have neurodivergence in the family, it can be even trickier to navigate.

Here are some tips from my 17 years of parenting, working with and caring for neurodivergent children (and adults!)

Written by Jay Byrd

1. Think outside the (neurotypical) box!

Just because something has always been done a certain way doesn't mean it's the best way.

This year my family is not eating Christmas dinner all together because sensory sensitivities, dysregulation and different needs make it too stressful for some of us. This might not be the way we do things in the future but for this year, it's the best way. And that's ok.

If something feels tricky, question it - Why are we doing it this way? Is there another way to do it?

If you are only doing it that way because that's how you have always done it or because that's the way everyone else does it, perhaps it's time to change things up to suit everyone (especially those who will struggle most).

“Ultimately, our job as parents is to support our children first.“

2. Remember that "wants" are not the same as "needs".

Too often adults wants are placed above children's needs. This is where a needs-based approach can come in handy. If an adult in your family is expressing disappointment about changing a tradition to suit the needs of your children (or you!) you can validate their feelings and then, when they have had a chance to express themselves and feel fully heard, you can ask them what the consequence of not changing would be. Usually it is their feeling. They may also be able to explain further e.g. they will miss out on spending important time with someone they care about. You can then gently explain what the consequence will be for your child or self (or other loved-one).

For example, "I understand that you would like us to stay with you for a whole week and I hear that you will feel sad if we leave on Boxing Day. I wish we could spend more time with you as well. However, I know that my child finds being away from home very stressful and they will need several days resting in their bedroom afterwards. Perhaps you could come and visit us in a month or so to spend more time with them."

Ultimately, our job as parents is to support our children first. I have had to remind myself of that in the past before spending time with family but it has got easier over time! It may also be worth remembering that neurodivergence is genetic so there may be undiagnosed ND playing a part in the dynamic as well. This can take the form of family members feeling triggered by the fact that your child is receiving the accommodations they never did (often unconsciously!)

“I'm not here to self-care shame anyone but anything you can do to resource yourself will benefit your children too.”

3. Take care of you!

I know, I know, this is even harder at this time of year but it honestly makes such a difference. It's likely that your neurodivergent child uses you for co-regulation, meaning that the state of your nervous system and emotions will effect theirs. The calmer and more centred you are, the more able you are to hold space for them and support them to feel safe and secure.

I'm not here to self-care shame anyone but anything you can do to resource yourself will benefit your children too. Even a couple of minutes can help. Here are some super quick regulation tricks:

While the kettle is boiling: Stretch, take a few deep breaths, sit in a deep squat or take a moment to centre yourself.
When taking a shower, allow yourself a mindful moment to focus on the sensations of water on your skin, the smell of your soap or shower gel, the feeling of massaging shampoo into your hair.
Have a kitchen disco and sing and dance to let off some steam (with your child if that's their bag!)
The physiological emotional response lasts, on average, 90 seconds. If you get a surge of festive rage, sadness or panic, try placing one hand on your heart and one on your belly, breathe deeply and allow the sensations to happen. Sometimes just witnessing and allowing your emotions can help them pass. Note: This may be different for people with anxiety. PTSD etc so take care.
Try to find time to move your body, this will work the stress through your system and out. Walk to the shops instead of driving, stretch, wiggle, dance etc. Whatever works within your energy and time availability and the requirements of your family.
Hugs are amazingly healing so if you have someone who will hug you for 20 seconds do it as often as possible. That's the amount of time it takes for an oxytocin release and it feels soooooo good! Petting animals also gives you a boost!

You can find lots more information and tips for increasing emotional literacy, which supports regulation all year round, on the highlight on our Instagram profile.

Whatever you get up to this Christmas, I hope you have a lovely time.

Thriving at Christmas - neurodivergent style

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